House of IG

I’m not the brightest man. Not the strongest, not the fastest. There are many questions that vex and perplex my mindstate and my lifespace. But one thing I do know is Pop Culture. I knows it as surely as Miss Sophia know’d there was a God(t). And so, here is my review of the past week (or ten days or so) in a segment that shall henceforth be known as My POP CULTURE POP OFF.

FIRST POP OFF: Etta v. “etta”
I enjoy life for the most part. Some days are heavy; some days are so light I can even ride a horse. But when they told me that Etta had said that she couldn’t stand Beyonce and wanted to whoop her ass, I almost went bankrupt running to iTunes to purchase every E. James recording I could FIND, Jesu! Now, when Miss Etta(h) commented on President Barack, she went too far. And I would let her know that to her high yella face via a slap with a white glove. But I don’t think what she said about Beyonce was out of line or bitter. Yes she didn’t record “At Last” first, but Tina wasn’t the first to record “Proud Mary” either, and you better believe that’s the FIRST version that comes to peoples’ minds when someone says “Big wheel keep on toinin’” is Ike and Tina’s, thereby making that song THEIRS. The same with any cover of Luther’s. If you expect me to honestly think that “Superstar” or “A House is Not A Home” ain’t Luther’s songs… come on, now! “At Last” IS Etta’s song, and she should EARNED that historical moment far more than Beyonce…even though I personally think Bey is only about 15 years younger than Ettah.

POP OFF THE SECOND: Phelps v. Pineapple Express
“Take it to the head, take it to the head!!!” is not something I thought would ever be getting said to a winner of 8 Olympic gold medals, but Phelps “surprised” the world again this week. When photos of him using a bong surfaced thanks to the wonderful British tabloids/papers, every news time Sports segment and endorsement company was instantly overtaken with a “Bad Phelps” mantra. Why are we shocked at this people? A la David Letterman, here’s the Top Three Reasons to Not Be Shocked that Michael Phelps Smoke(d) Weed:
3) Lil Wayne, Jeezy, and T.I. are the most played artists on his iPod.
2) He’s 23 years old.
1) He won 8 gold medals in like, 6 days. He DESERVES some herb.

TRE POP OFF: Jessica Simpson v. FAT – Fat Wins.
Jessica Simpson finally found out if “Chicken of the Sea” was chicken or fish…and ate them both. She’s either 1) pregnant (in which case, SHAME on you, tabloids!) or 2) just fat. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with her being fat, but lets face it – we have all seen them pictures and her face looks like somebody pinched it for hours.

POP OFF NUMBA FO’: Christian Bale v. Shutting the Hell-Up
Hey, Batman – wanna see a magic trick? You see that camera over there? It RECORDS stuff. *pause* Ta da!

FINAL POP OFF FOR TODAY: Francis Scott Key v. World
*Quick history lesson: Francis Scott Key wrote the “Star Spangled Banner” in 1814.*
Lesson for today: On Feb. 1, 2009 Francis issued a statement from beyond the grave. Allow me to reiterate:
“It has sinceforth been brought to my attention that one Ms. Jennifer Kate Hudson upon eveningfall performed my first multi-platinum hit. When one Ms. Whitney Houston did the same about 15 years ago, I was prepared to issue the following proclamation, but I was up all night the night before watching infomercials hitherto and therefore too tired to do so. But after witnessing what happened tonight, let this be my message henceforth:
No one else – NO ONE else – is allowed to sing my song. You’ll only be embarrassing yourself.
Thank you,
F. Scott Keyzie”

Thus ending the first session of POP CULTURE POP OFF. Expect updates as the weeks progress…note: I did not name a specific time as I am lazy and sometimes admittedly will only use the internet for its intended purposes: Facebook and porn. Good morrow to thee!