House of IG

The Grammys aired last night on your local CBS affiliate. Many people won (although most of them were not televised), many people did not (and one of those losers was Kanye West's homage to Lionel Richie's 'All Night Long' hair-don'tyoueva!)...but all of the evening's festivities were overshadowed by people that ironically weren't even there: yes, both you and I know I's is talkin' about Chris Brown and Rihanna - from here on out referred to as Cee Bee and Ree Ree.

Before I go ANY further into the night, let me start with THAT travesty...that sham...that mockery...that -- TRAVESHAMOCKERY. For those of you who may not know, let me get you up to speed: *pause* Cee Bee bust Ree Ree all up in her face and bangs. Reports on the where's and the why's are sketchy. Some even cite a third party's involvement - lets call her HERPEShia for the time...). But while I am not a fan of either of these weak-vocalled "entertainers," let me address this issue head on.

1) Domestic violence = never ok. *pause* Unless your lover had an affair with someone perhaps named HERPEShia, in which case a quick jab might be in order.

2) How hard can Cee Bee really hit? I know his lock-up report says that he is 195, but come on ya'll...we KNOW that ain't true. And he's light skin-ded. Ree Ree was right to go to the police, but she should have at least used some of that Barbados background on him before screaming out S.O.S. please - someone help me! Which takes me to my BIGGEST issue with all this:

3) They both cancelled their appearances at the Grammys. Chris - cuz well, he knows the law and was trying to figure out if he could outRUN IT, RUN IT. And Rihanna cuz she was busy in a sense of DISTURBIA and/or BREAKING DISHES (ya'll knew these references were coming, so just go with me on 'em). BUT let us not forget music's most dynamic and most destructive leading duo - one Miss Anna Mae Bullock and one Mister Ike Toina (Turner for those confused). She once got her a** beat one day while she was 'bout 5-6 months pregnant, gave BIRTH to the child, and STILL managed to sing her life away even with TEARS streaming down her face! I mean, the placenta and all the afterbirth was singing backup and playing the high hat, Ike had just told her they had NINETY-TWO dates befo' they had A good night's rest, and she STILL kil't it. Now you mean to tell me - that lil ass' C. Breezy came at you once - ONCE - and you still couldn't show up to sing a SINGLE verse of a SINGLE song?! ?!?! Mm mmm ...they don't make 'em like they used to.

NOW!, on to the inside of the event. First, Jennifer Kate Hudson's dress did resemble table settings, BUT it was still hawt! And when Whitney 'Nippy' Houston came out looking wonderful and healthy (even if her speech might not have reflected that) to give Jennifer that first award!!!! -- ALL'A mah soul...my whole L'AHF...the pieces that were once shattered came togetha and found renewed PURPOSE, LOOOOORD!!! *moment to reflect* Whoo! Ok...calm down, calm down... from there, the evening was just one mis-step after another. (Very few exceptions being Jennifer's incredibly emotional rendition of "You Brought Me Through" from her Grammy-award winning album which brought tears to just about everyone's eyes there. Dare I say Busta and T.I. even had a little eye twinklin'...)

So - because there was not any other real HIGH'S of the evening -let me just quickly shoot off some random thoughts in a POP OFF QUICK DRAW:

QUICK DRAW 1!) The Rock...Dwayne - you are eye candy for probably 75% of the female population and the other 25% will come around soon. But don't waste time talking and/or attempting humor. Just - DON'T. And nobody was funny. Craig Ferguson was a LITTLE funny, but only because no one had been funny in SOO long, it just felt good to laugh again.

QUICK DRAW 2!) If I ever see Boyz II Men sing BACKUP for Justin Timberlake again, I don't think I'll be able to hold a conversation without screaming. And my scream of choice: Al Green's "YaaAAAAH!"

QUICK DRAW 3!) How, dear LORD, HOW did Little Stevie Wonder AKA Stevland Morris end up performing with the Jonas Brothers ONLY to have one of the Jonas' MESS UP the words to SUPERSTITION?! And did one of them tell Stevie "Show me what you got!"?? REALLY?! I literally, LITERALLY - not joking, here - JUST almost regurgitated my pancakes and sausage. Not kidding - it still might come up...let me move on, let me *stops self* move...on...

QUICK DRAW 4!) Coldplay looked like four British coloring books. And Jay-Z clearly ain't seen the boar-bristle side of a brush since BeySasha filmed the terrible video for "Diva." And why can't Chris Martin find clothes that fit him?

QUICK DRAW 5!) Miley and Taylor performed a song with just a guitar like it was a junior year Open Mic night in Poughkeepsie, NY and a couple back up singers. Ok, ok - Only REAL singers can do that and they tried WAAAY too hard to look like they didn't hate each other. We know Miley's spider monkey lookin' self wanted to kick Taylor's stool clean from up under her.

QUICK DRAW 6!) Kanye and Estelle looked like they filmed a futuristic sketch on Sesame Street before they walked on stage. I ain't never - in alll mah days seen nothin look as bad as Kanye did last night. Public grief is a terrible thing, but Kanye you better pull it together. I swear I thought he was about to break out into "Billie Jean" or just start whispering "We're gonna party, siesta, fiesta fo'eva..."

QUICK DRAW 7!) Neil Diamond performed "Sweet Caroline". And I can probably be diagnosed with osteoporosis just from watching it.

QUICK DRAW 8!) T.I. performed twice. Once with Justin on a pretty decent performance - probably the last befo' he get locked up. And then again with Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Kanye on a "Rap Pack" version of "Swagger Like Us." And did I forget to mention that M.I.A. was there too? How could I have forgotten her and the baby that was DUE THAT DAY?!!!! She was boppin' along and I swear that child reached out and started party rockin' its fist. Her gangsta is waaaay better than yo gangsta. Please believe it.

QUICK DRAW 9!) Leona Lewis or Jazmine Sullivan did not win a single award. Now, I'm not a huge JS fan, but for the Grammys to not award Leona NOTHING is disgusting. Not Jonan Brothers FEATURING Stevie Wonder disgusting, but *bleh* *BLEH* ooh, ooh Lawd...it almost came up again! Move on...

QUICK DRAW 10!) Coonery took human shape last night in the appearance of T-Pain (henceforth referred to as T-COON) and Lil' Wayne (henceforth referred to as Lil' COON). It is NOT ok to wear a suede jacket with MATCHING top hat. It is NOT ok to have your ENTIRE ass exposed on television because your jean's belt loops start at your knees. And lastly, Lil' COON - no, its NOT ok to bring up 16 people on the stage with you, including two little girls in their Sunday's Best ready to make their Easter speeches! This was NOT the BET Awards -as evidenced by the lack of R&B and Soul performances.

Thus ending this SPECIAL EDITION of Pop Culture Pop Off. Please stay tuned for the return of the Regular Edition which shall surely include Cee Bee's mug shot as I plan on making it the Wallpaper on my laptop.

Good day to you!

Edit: Check out the most ignant review this side of the Lake Superior, with Luvvie's take of the Grammy's at Awesomely Luvvie.
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