Last weekend, I visited my sister in a town that can rarely be located on a map, but somehow made it on the news TWICE this week. First, as the site for underage drunken celebrations of a high school basketball championship and second, as the town where a newly discovered terrorist spent his undergraduate years plotting against the good ol' U S of A. Go Peoria!!! May your light continue to burn bright (eyes being rolled).
That, however, is not the point of this post (and YES, Luvvie made it perfectly clear that I have been delinquent in my IG duties. For that, I apologize).
Wait.
Wait.
WHAT?!
Stop the effin' presses! I had no idea such a site existed! Dear friends, I cannot tell you the how this made me feel. Elated, but dismayed. Amused, but bemused. Tickled, but terrified at the thought of Nigerian men seeking love online. Why you may ask? Allow me to explain.
Nigerian men and romance are two terms that cannot and do NOT belong together. For these brothas, corny expressions of love coupled with an intense, but ridiculous stare are the well-known, but misguided ways to a woman's heart. Allow me to provide you with an example of each:
Scene: Downtown Chicago. You're in a club, sitting with your girlfriends, annoyed at the lack of male eyecandy, scantily-clad pregnant woman (there's one in every club), and scrubs hoping that they can accidentally catch you looking their way.
A stranger approaches (in a heavy Nigerian accent): What is up? (not Wassup) My name is Emeka and emmm...I was checking you out from across de way.
You (thinking to yourself): Hmm...not bad looking, kinda feeling the accent...let's see where this goes.
Emeka: Please eh, I want a good wo-man, a fine wo-man. A GOD-fearing wo-man! Is dat you? I hope so.
You: Ummm...o--k. (looking around for someone to save you, but your girls are not paying attention)
Emeka: Bay-bee (Baby), you are fine. So fine eh, I want to marry you. NOW!
You (eyes wide in shock, thinking): OH HELL NO! NOT AGAIN! WHY GOD? WHY????? (you back away in alarm and he steps even closer, turning on the stare of death)
Emeka: I have to have you. (the stare down begins)
You (thinking): What the hell is up with dude's eyes? Does he even blink?
Emeka: Why won't you let me love you?
You: What? I just met you dude!! (the hairs on the back of your neck are rising from his unwavering gaze. You look over to your girls, your eyes saying, "DAMMIT, COME SAVE ME!")
Emeka: It doesn't matta. We were meant to be. I feel it. Don't you?
You (thinking): O.M.G. This is NOT happening! I hope no one I know is here...
Emeka: Let me just say eh, you are the apple of my eye, the sugar in my tea, the mosquito in my sleeping net, the petrol (Gas) in my tank.
You (fed up with this African Rico Suave): Riiight. I have to go. My girls are waiting for me.
Emeka: No!!! Don't mind them. You cannot leave! The night is still young. (He takes your hand) Come and let us jam togedda. (Perverted smile and stare. Stare. Stare......)
**Sigh**
A woman's struggle never ends. What is a girl to do in such a situation? "Just say No" hasn't worked for drugs, why should it keep off a Nigerian man? His addiction to you forms faster and lasts longer than any crack habit, TRUST ME! First, it's the clubs, church, Best Buy (I was accosted by a surly and aggressive cab driver who propositioned me and then FOLLOWED ME to my car, insisting that he be the one I call on those, "lonely nights"). Now the madness has transferred to the World Wide Web. When will it end? When???
All I know is I'm scared and you should be too.
The O.N.E.
23 comments:
iDied at this whole post b/c I could hear the dude saying that too.
Oh, and "Mosquitos in my sleeping net" pretty much sent the old me away. I am now a phantom of myself.
Thanx, O.N.E.
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I agree with Luvvie, I heard every word in my head.
I've unfortunately been the staring target for a few international men, a couple of whom were African, a couple who where Carribean. American men do this too though; young drunk skinny white men, old-enough-to-be-my-father black men (gold teeth optional) and one hispanic guy that I met at Latino fest. I'll never understand it. I've decided though, that there has to be one in every nationality under the sun.
Doesn't make it less creepy though.
I have this SAME experience w/every Nigerian man I encounter. I am always mistaken for Nigerian (quite flattering, since I know some fine Nigerian sistas, present company included), so this sets off the conversation. Then when they discover I'm just "regular American Black", they give me the look of "Oh, I can overlook that" and then the press is on! iCan't w/those guys! LOL! too much for me!
LOL! I'm sure the whackness can be found among other groups of men. It's a disease like Bitchassnessm that needs to be eradicated QUICK!
@The Pretty Brown Girl (thanks for the compliment!), naw they don't discriminate. The moment they got you to listen to whatever sappy line they deliver, they sink their teeth into you and drag you down with them. Hot ass mess!
This has happened to me on at least 4 cab rides. At least. Especially when I lived in Rogers Park, and they would start chatting about how we were practically neighbors. *shudders*
My downstairs neighbor is the sweetest Nigerian man ever. Says hello to me everyday, all day. Doesn't matter if i just saw him 3 minutes ago. Thanks to u, i'll never be able to look at him the same way again. lol!
Oh. Man. Too much.
You all send happy endorphins all thru me.
:D
@The Pretty Brown Girl I too have gotten the look of disdain for being a "regular American Black" followed by the "Its OK I'll get over it" stare.
man oh man...lol @ this whole post.
PS so new to House of IG...but u prob already know
Funny stuff! I had to read the Nigerian's words out loud to get the full effect, and I almost peed a little laughing.
You (thinking): O.M.G. This is NOT happening! I hope no one I know is here...
Hey! I thought that happened only when my lilly-white a## tries and approach a sista. That horrified, eye-rollin’ “Why he got to pick ME?!”
Maybe I need a new suit … http://www.costumecraze.com/PIMP30.html?c=cj,PIMP30
(That right there just might get my IP address banded)
(And why you cut out the very open Name comment option? Made me make some fake blog ID. Just gotta make sure it doesn’t match the fake passport …)
Chile, every Nigerian, Liberian (they REALLY love me), and Ghanian man loves me, it is ridayumdiculous, and they always approach me in the same or worse steez.... it is a trip! Love this post, especially: "the mosquito in my sleeping net", I hate you intensely for that...
DYING! I'm Nigerian and I know exactly of which you speak of.
ps: peeped the plug on VSB btw.
Oh, I gotta catch my breath. Too funny
Hillarious! I thought I was the only one! I can't shop in Home Depot without getting propositioned for a serious relationship by a Nigerian (or some other African dude).
LMAO...so what you're telling me, is that all those movie stereotypes are...CORRECT?? OH THE AGONY! OH THE BETRAYAL! hahaha that's fucked up...
@ One Man: How you think the stereotype got started??? You know all stereotypes have some element of truth in them...unfortunately, this one is grounded completely in fact, lol.
**smh** at my African bretheren. Really. They need to stop that sh*t. I had one offer to pay my mortgage, buy me a new car, pay for my education and impregnate me all in the same sentence.
Funny thing is, he thought I was American. When he found out I was Ghanaian, oh he went into OVERDRIVE.
Where were my girls to save me?? Off in a corner, laughing at my azz... that's where. Triflin heffas.
hahaha! That is a mess! I need to change this title to "African Men", cause they are all on some BS!
I can't even fault our girls for not coming over to save us. God forbid he has some thirsty friends that are on the prowl too!
this "Emeka: Let me just say eh, you are the apple of my eye, the sugar in my tea, the mosquito in my sleeping net, the petrol (Gas) in my tank." made me choke on my root beer!! I am forever being attacked by the Nigerian man...hell, African men general seem to be all over me. UPS man pulled his truck over wanting to know if I was married, and if not would I be his wife. Then, ole' dude followed me into Kroger just to say "you are so beautiful, can I be your friend?" Hell no you can't be my friend and stop following me around the damn store!!!
Any way I could have this happen the other way around? I'd love to have African chicks huntin' me down.
"Be the Petrol in your tank" LMAO!
Wonder if I should try that one ...
OMG!!! ROTFF.... It started when I was small lad... merely 11 years on God's planet.. African fest in Washington Park, my first ever marriage proposal. Those aggressive a$$ men.
From Jamaica to Nassau, to Ghana West Africa, the men dont want to date you, just marry you!! Like seriously homie, you brought 1 drink and I should be your wife?!?
Hey, I went to school in Peoria...it's visibile on the map! *squints eyes through magnifying glass and points*
OMG!!!
this post had me laughing so hard. speaking in the accent out loud makes it even funnier
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