House of IG

Well, it has been an interesting last 12 days or so since the last installment of PCPO…interesting to say the MOST really. I can’t lie – I’ve 1) been distracted with a show that I am currently in and 2) its been kind of boring. Sure you had your, your ‘drama’ here and your ‘scandal update’ there…but it hasn’t been as riveting as it usually is in the world of Culture de Pop. So, I have scoured and searched to bring you the following edition of Pop Culture Pop Off! Let me start with a throwback to my childhood:

Hello again to all my friends, I’m glad you came to play. Our fun and learning never ends. Here’s what we did today!

FOIST (first) POP OFF: Cee Bee and Ree Ree v. TMZ
Ooh Lawd…TMZ somehow, someway got they hands on that post-attack pictorial of Ree Ree. And when I see’d her…I didn’t know what to say! Cee Bee just went TOO FAR! Reports conflict on the beginning of the situation, but we have visual proof of the ending and it does NOT justify the means! I don’t care if she was slapping him all up in his yella face, a man can hold a woman or even a quick shove to get her off of him – he doesn’t have to go Blanka from Street Fighter on her. And then he had the nerve to release a statement talking about some (to paraphrase of course) “I’m talkin’ to my momma and preacher about it.” You need to be talking to the Sheriff! Ain’t no reason you free…but perhaps him being out is the best thing. This way he can watch first hand as his career goes up in flames.

POP OFF DEUX (...did I spell that right? Ah, well…): Everybody v. The Jacksons
*Suggested by KindredSmile* I was looking for something to write about in this hurr PCPO and my soul had wearied. Then good ol’ KindredSmile sent me this l’ank:
http://www.gadling.com/2009/02/17/jackson-five-museum-theme-park-to-be-built-on-nigerian-slave-gr/
If you read the above, then you already know. But in case you didn’t, let me summarize the story: *pause* The damn Jacksons want to build a theme park and memorabilia museum on a former slave port in Nigeria. Now, I try my BEST to be calm throughout my day. Really, I do. I usually fail in those attempts, but I do try. This here? This mess HERE, people?! MM MMM. Naw, not never. How DARE you, Jacksons! Just because you have all had enough plastic surgery to make it LOOK like you are not descendents of slaves doesn’t mean you can go to that ground and desecrate what it stood for with holograms of ya’ll singing “ABC”! It is NOT easy as 1,2,3 and IF plans actually move forward, I think I might have to look them up in person and go pure Joseph on them. *Note: in order to understand that, you must have seen “The Jacksons: An American Dream* This is not only shocking and appalling, its also disgusting. Jacksons: just stay in the house. Just – STAY.

TRES POP OFF: ME v. Things That Upset My LifeSpace
1) The Jonas Brothers have a movie coming out. I think its in 3-D. *pause* The only thing worse than the Jonas Brothers is the Jonas Brothers REAL CLOSE.

2) I enjoy Tyler Perry. I do! But “Madea Goes to Jail” was awful. I wish I would have waited for it to get online and watched it with all of my illegalness for the free. It was two COMPLETELY separate stories that made no sense together in the same film. A movie is not a half hour sitcom, Tyler – you can’t just throw storylines together and pray it works. Its like he’s moving backwards in his filmmaking. I know it’s a recession, but DAMN.

3) I will not watch American Idol until the top 12 and only sporadically then.

POP OFF FINALE: The Oscars v. …well, everything else I guess.
I would have done another special edition but I figured it was kind of a waste of time. Especially since I only saw about half an hour of the show. But I will quickly assess my feelings.
I only watch award shows for 1) the fashions and 2) the performances. Honestly, the awards themselves are tertiary at best. If it’s a category I’m really interested in, then I shall tune in but other than that, its all very MEH to me. With that being said, here’s a POP OFF QUICK DRAW:

QD 1!) Taraji Henson and Viola Davis was robbed in the Best Supporting Actress category! I enjoy Penelope Cruz but I didn’t see that crap moive she made and I won’t. Taraji and Viola KIL’T it in their roles in “Benjamin Button” and “Doubt” respectively. At least they can charge an extra $5 MIL for their roles now.

QD 2!) Beyonce. *shakes head* Lawd, Lawd, LAWD! Beyonce, when will you let this House of D(isaste)Reon thing GO?! That dress you put on yo body. That DRESS YOU put on yo BODY, Jesu…you looked like a crotchety old Asian woman’s curtain set from 1983. Or a comforter set from Family Dollar in 2007. I can’t figure out what’s worse. The mermaid cut (which you REFUSE to let go even though you got more hips than Mo’Nique workout tape cast) or that awful, gaudy fabric. What were you thinking? THROWBACK ALERT: When I say "No, no, no, no, no!" I mean it for that dress, dress, dress, dress, dress!!!

QD 3!) And did you REALLY have to perform at the Oscars…AGAIN???! I am SO tired of Beyonce being the “Go To” girl. She is EVERYWHERE. I mean, seriously – its like people just sit in meetings waiting for an opportunity to have a female performer and then hit Bey in their speed dial. Couldn’t they have looked further than DOWN THE STREET for a singer? I don’t know, maybe one who could, ya know – ACT too? So livid.

QD 4!) John Legend, I’m going to say this to you once and once only: the next time you put on a suit and you can see your blood cells moving through your veins, that suit is TOO FITTED. Take it off and loosen them SEAMS! Yes, you have been working out. You’re a handsome chap. But if you wear one of them epidermis-tight suits one mo’ time, you are hereby cut from my lifespace in its entirety.

QD 5!) Another shoutout to Taraji: you looked good, girl. Ya looked GOODt.

That’s it. That’s all I got. I’ll be leaving you now. I’m at work and essentially the state is paying me to write a blog right now. *pause* Yeeah, I better get go. Peace!

Also on my blog so don't be alarmed.

America, we need to raise our standards for celebrity status. Our standards are lower than Michael Jackson's credit score. In '09, let's try to have more people who are famous for you know, actually having talent, skills, and/or relevance. There are too many celebrities walking around these parts with Nary N'AN a skill. It's like mediocrity is the new Black.

*The Kardashians - I hate the fact that they are actually getting space on blogs who write about their antics and whatnot. They are purposeless and are truly famous for NOTHING. Folks talk about how Paris Hilton is famous for no reason. Yes, she has a reason (she has kept Pfizer's stock sky high. Psht. All her need for valtrex. She is helping the economy, one pill at a time But I digress...) Kim and Khloe Kardashian are known for... oh yeah Kim's big stank ridiculous ass (yesh I'm jealous. So what???) and... Oh yes, her sex tape with the Mayor of Irrelevantville himself...

*Ray J - Dude is more famous for d*cking Kim Kardashian down than anything else. As well as being Whitney Houston's newest Hairhat holder (Which I STILL don't understand). He hasn't had a gig since Moesha, and I really think Brandy oughta be tired of paying her brother's water, light and Blockbuster bills by now. I can't take him. And to add insult to injury, this fool is walking around thinkin he is sexy. No, just... NO. He released a subpar song called "Sexy, Can I" and I say HELL NAW you can't. Now, he is officially a Z-list celebrity, having secured his own Vh1 show (For the Love of Ray J). *Sigh* I admit that I do watch it because I am a fan of fuckery. A Fiend for foolishness. A freak for folly. A follower for frenzy. That ish is addictive. But still... Ray J, your 15 minutes of fame expired in precisely 1997. Exit Stage left. Thanx.

*Estelle - I'm not saying she's not talented, but nothing about her talent is more than average. She is regular as hell to me. Her voice ain't mind blowing or nothing, and I feel like I could hear someone with a better voice at a high school talent show. Plus, she isn't extraordinarily beautiful. I ain't saying she ugly, because her face is actually decent.

Some folks who are famous are average (or even subpar) talent-wise, but are so ridiculously good-looking that you let them pass (see: Rihanna, Cassie, Gabrielle Union, LisaRaye).

The Grammys aired last night on your local CBS affiliate. Many people won (although most of them were not televised), many people did not (and one of those losers was Kanye West's homage to Lionel Richie's 'All Night Long' hair-don'tyoueva!)...but all of the evening's festivities were overshadowed by people that ironically weren't even there: yes, both you and I know I's is talkin' about Chris Brown and Rihanna - from here on out referred to as Cee Bee and Ree Ree.

Before I go ANY further into the night, let me start with THAT travesty...that sham...that mockery...that -- TRAVESHAMOCKERY. For those of you who may not know, let me get you up to speed: *pause* Cee Bee bust Ree Ree all up in her face and bangs. Reports on the where's and the why's are sketchy. Some even cite a third party's involvement - lets call her HERPEShia for the time...). But while I am not a fan of either of these weak-vocalled "entertainers," let me address this issue head on.

1) Domestic violence = never ok. *pause* Unless your lover had an affair with someone perhaps named HERPEShia, in which case a quick jab might be in order.

2) How hard can Cee Bee really hit? I know his lock-up report says that he is 195, but come on ya'll...we KNOW that ain't true. And he's light skin-ded. Ree Ree was right to go to the police, but she should have at least used some of that Barbados background on him before screaming out S.O.S. please - someone help me! Which takes me to my BIGGEST issue with all this:

3) They both cancelled their appearances at the Grammys. Chris - cuz well, he knows the law and was trying to figure out if he could outRUN IT, RUN IT. And Rihanna cuz she was busy in a sense of DISTURBIA and/or BREAKING DISHES (ya'll knew these references were coming, so just go with me on 'em). BUT let us not forget music's most dynamic and most destructive leading duo - one Miss Anna Mae Bullock and one Mister Ike Toina (Turner for those confused). She once got her a** beat one day while she was 'bout 5-6 months pregnant, gave BIRTH to the child, and STILL managed to sing her life away even with TEARS streaming down her face! I mean, the placenta and all the afterbirth was singing backup and playing the high hat, Ike had just told her they had NINETY-TWO dates befo' they had A good night's rest, and she STILL kil't it. Now you mean to tell me - that lil ass' C. Breezy came at you once - ONCE - and you still couldn't show up to sing a SINGLE verse of a SINGLE song?! ?!?! Mm mmm ...they don't make 'em like they used to.

NOW!, on to the inside of the event. First, Jennifer Kate Hudson's dress did resemble table settings, BUT it was still hawt! And when Whitney 'Nippy' Houston came out looking wonderful and healthy (even if her speech might not have reflected that) to give Jennifer that first award!!!! -- ALL'A mah soul...my whole L'AHF...the pieces that were once shattered came togetha and found renewed PURPOSE, LOOOOORD!!! *moment to reflect* Whoo! Ok...calm down, calm down... from there, the evening was just one mis-step after another. (Very few exceptions being Jennifer's incredibly emotional rendition of "You Brought Me Through" from her Grammy-award winning album which brought tears to just about everyone's eyes there. Dare I say Busta and T.I. even had a little eye twinklin'...)

So - because there was not any other real HIGH'S of the evening -let me just quickly shoot off some random thoughts in a POP OFF QUICK DRAW:

QUICK DRAW 1!) The Rock...Dwayne - you are eye candy for probably 75% of the female population and the other 25% will come around soon. But don't waste time talking and/or attempting humor. Just - DON'T. And nobody was funny. Craig Ferguson was a LITTLE funny, but only because no one had been funny in SOO long, it just felt good to laugh again.

QUICK DRAW 2!) If I ever see Boyz II Men sing BACKUP for Justin Timberlake again, I don't think I'll be able to hold a conversation without screaming. And my scream of choice: Al Green's "YaaAAAAH!"

QUICK DRAW 3!) How, dear LORD, HOW did Little Stevie Wonder AKA Stevland Morris end up performing with the Jonas Brothers ONLY to have one of the Jonas' MESS UP the words to SUPERSTITION?! And did one of them tell Stevie "Show me what you got!"?? REALLY?! I literally, LITERALLY - not joking, here - JUST almost regurgitated my pancakes and sausage. Not kidding - it still might come up...let me move on, let me *stops self* move...on...

QUICK DRAW 4!) Coldplay looked like four British coloring books. And Jay-Z clearly ain't seen the boar-bristle side of a brush since BeySasha filmed the terrible video for "Diva." And why can't Chris Martin find clothes that fit him?

QUICK DRAW 5!) Miley and Taylor performed a song with just a guitar like it was a junior year Open Mic night in Poughkeepsie, NY and a couple back up singers. Ok, ok - Only REAL singers can do that and they tried WAAAY too hard to look like they didn't hate each other. We know Miley's spider monkey lookin' self wanted to kick Taylor's stool clean from up under her.

QUICK DRAW 6!) Kanye and Estelle looked like they filmed a futuristic sketch on Sesame Street before they walked on stage. I ain't never - in alll mah days seen nothin look as bad as Kanye did last night. Public grief is a terrible thing, but Kanye you better pull it together. I swear I thought he was about to break out into "Billie Jean" or just start whispering "We're gonna party, siesta, fiesta fo'eva..."

QUICK DRAW 7!) Neil Diamond performed "Sweet Caroline". And I can probably be diagnosed with osteoporosis just from watching it.

QUICK DRAW 8!) T.I. performed twice. Once with Justin on a pretty decent performance - probably the last befo' he get locked up. And then again with Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Kanye on a "Rap Pack" version of "Swagger Like Us." And did I forget to mention that M.I.A. was there too? How could I have forgotten her and the baby that was DUE THAT DAY?!!!! She was boppin' along and I swear that child reached out and started party rockin' its fist. Her gangsta is waaaay better than yo gangsta. Please believe it.

QUICK DRAW 9!) Leona Lewis or Jazmine Sullivan did not win a single award. Now, I'm not a huge JS fan, but for the Grammys to not award Leona NOTHING is disgusting. Not Jonan Brothers FEATURING Stevie Wonder disgusting, but *bleh* *BLEH* ooh, ooh Lawd...it almost came up again! Move on...

QUICK DRAW 10!) Coonery took human shape last night in the appearance of T-Pain (henceforth referred to as T-COON) and Lil' Wayne (henceforth referred to as Lil' COON). It is NOT ok to wear a suede jacket with MATCHING top hat. It is NOT ok to have your ENTIRE ass exposed on television because your jean's belt loops start at your knees. And lastly, Lil' COON - no, its NOT ok to bring up 16 people on the stage with you, including two little girls in their Sunday's Best ready to make their Easter speeches! This was NOT the BET Awards -as evidenced by the lack of R&B and Soul performances.

Thus ending this SPECIAL EDITION of Pop Culture Pop Off. Please stay tuned for the return of the Regular Edition which shall surely include Cee Bee's mug shot as I plan on making it the Wallpaper on my laptop.

Good day to you!

Edit: Check out the most ignant review this side of the Lake Superior, with Luvvie's take of the Grammy's at Awesomely Luvvie.
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I’m not the brightest man. Not the strongest, not the fastest. There are many questions that vex and perplex my mindstate and my lifespace. But one thing I do know is Pop Culture. I knows it as surely as Miss Sophia know’d there was a God(t). And so, here is my review of the past week (or ten days or so) in a segment that shall henceforth be known as My POP CULTURE POP OFF.

FIRST POP OFF: Etta v. “etta”
I enjoy life for the most part. Some days are heavy; some days are so light I can even ride a horse. But when they told me that Etta had said that she couldn’t stand Beyonce and wanted to whoop her ass, I almost went bankrupt running to iTunes to purchase every E. James recording I could FIND, Jesu! Now, when Miss Etta(h) commented on President Barack, she went too far. And I would let her know that to her high yella face via a slap with a white glove. But I don’t think what she said about Beyonce was out of line or bitter. Yes she didn’t record “At Last” first, but Tina wasn’t the first to record “Proud Mary” either, and you better believe that’s the FIRST version that comes to peoples’ minds when someone says “Big wheel keep on toinin’” is Ike and Tina’s, thereby making that song THEIRS. The same with any cover of Luther’s. If you expect me to honestly think that “Superstar” or “A House is Not A Home” ain’t Luther’s songs… come on, now! “At Last” IS Etta’s song, and she should EARNED that historical moment far more than Beyonce…even though I personally think Bey is only about 15 years younger than Ettah.

POP OFF THE SECOND: Phelps v. Pineapple Express
“Take it to the head, take it to the head!!!” is not something I thought would ever be getting said to a winner of 8 Olympic gold medals, but Phelps “surprised” the world again this week. When photos of him using a bong surfaced thanks to the wonderful British tabloids/papers, every news time Sports segment and endorsement company was instantly overtaken with a “Bad Phelps” mantra. Why are we shocked at this people? A la David Letterman, here’s the Top Three Reasons to Not Be Shocked that Michael Phelps Smoke(d) Weed:
3) Lil Wayne, Jeezy, and T.I. are the most played artists on his iPod.
2) He’s 23 years old.
1) He won 8 gold medals in like, 6 days. He DESERVES some herb.

TRE POP OFF: Jessica Simpson v. FAT – Fat Wins.
Jessica Simpson finally found out if “Chicken of the Sea” was chicken or fish…and ate them both. She’s either 1) pregnant (in which case, SHAME on you, tabloids!) or 2) just fat. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with her being fat, but lets face it – we have all seen them pictures and her face looks like somebody pinched it for hours.

POP OFF NUMBA FO’: Christian Bale v. Shutting the Hell-Up
Hey, Batman – wanna see a magic trick? You see that camera over there? It RECORDS stuff. *pause* Ta da!

FINAL POP OFF FOR TODAY: Francis Scott Key v. World
*Quick history lesson: Francis Scott Key wrote the “Star Spangled Banner” in 1814.*
Lesson for today: On Feb. 1, 2009 Francis issued a statement from beyond the grave. Allow me to reiterate:
“It has sinceforth been brought to my attention that one Ms. Jennifer Kate Hudson upon eveningfall performed my first multi-platinum hit. When one Ms. Whitney Houston did the same about 15 years ago, I was prepared to issue the following proclamation, but I was up all night the night before watching infomercials hitherto and therefore too tired to do so. But after witnessing what happened tonight, let this be my message henceforth:
No one else – NO ONE else – is allowed to sing my song. You’ll only be embarrassing yourself.
Thank you,
F. Scott Keyzie”

Thus ending the first session of POP CULTURE POP OFF. Expect updates as the weeks progress…note: I did not name a specific time as I am lazy and sometimes admittedly will only use the internet for its intended purposes: Facebook and porn. Good morrow to thee!

Why someone thought (and clearly still thinks) Lil Mama has the authority to judge anything is beyond me, especially a dance competition. Every week that I watch America's Best Dance Crew, I question Lil Mama's relevance in, well anything. My homie NaturallyAlise is with me on this. And Lil Mama's foolish appearance often adds to our urge to throw sharp objects at the TV. Here are the brief heartfelt letters we'd love for Lil Mama to read. They're short because we realize she can't read anything too long. Hehe, besides, we did these while on Twitter.

Alise: Dear Lil' Mama, Didn't we talk about this shit last week? One word. Stylist. Yours Truly, Alise.

Alise: Dear Lil' Mama, What material is your hairhat made out of? K.I.T., Alise

Luvvie: Dear lil mama, yung lee @ beauty supply said ur hairhat was a polyurethane blend. Is that true? Just asking, Luvvie

Alise: Dear Lil' Mama, What kind of name is Lil' Mama for a boy? Just checking, Alise

Luvvie: Dear lil mama, u were that child left behind. I blame our schools. U inarticulate buffoon, u. Foolishly, Luvvie
Alise: Dear Lil' Mama, Please shut up before I give you something to cry about. TTYL! Alise

Luvvie: Dear lil mama, ur wet n wild #48 lipgloss is no longer popping. Go sat down. Sinsurrly awesome, Luvvie

Alise: Dear Lil Mama, You look like a clown on acid. Sin-scare-ly, Alise

Alise: Dear Lil' Mama, You look like a bedazzled bellhop. Fuck outta here. Best, Alise

Luvvie: Dear Lil Mama, your obsession with rhinestones offends my ego and my Id. Please cease and desist. Luvvie Esq.

Alise: Iwant to shoot her in the temple with a bedazzler, glittery heffah....

Alise: I want to throw sequins and sand in her eyes

Luvvie: Looking at Lil Mama gives me cataracts. REAL talk. They may be psychosomatic, but they r cataracts nonetheless

Alise: She is causing macular degeneration over here, ol ocular offender faced llama.

Luvvie: I think the vision of Lil Mama scratched my retina and scarred my iris.

Alise: She pulled my eyelashes out one by one to add to her hairhat... selfish bitch.

This was actually one of her better outfits *shaking head*

In these dire economic times, retailers are finding it harder and harder to entice consumers into spending their precious funds. As a result, stores are making drastic cuts, slashing both prices and employees in an effort to stay afloat. All of this turmoil begs one question:

And that says nothing of the atmosphere. The poor employees are paid off of commission, so no matter what you go in there for, they will try to sell you a cell phone or a television. The prices aren't competitive, and their inventory is dismal. What say you, readers? Am I right or am I right? Can you think of any other businesses that reek of fail and just need to die?