House of IG

Last weekend, I visited my sister in a town that can rarely be located on a map, but somehow made it on the news TWICE this week. First, as the site for underage drunken celebrations of a high school basketball championship and second, as the town where a newly discovered terrorist spent his undergraduate years plotting against the good ol' U S of A. Go Peoria!!! May your light continue to burn bright (eyes being rolled).

That, however, is not the point of this post (and YES, Luvvie made it perfectly clear that I have been delinquent in my IG duties. For that, I apologize).

While in said town, I had lunch with a lady who was extremely excited about a "friend" she met on an online dating site. I immediately had to choke down my laughter and smile in such a way that would encourage her to continue an already embarrassing story. I was expecting her to say she met him on one of the typical sites (eHarmony, Match.com, etc.), but instead she said, "I met him on meetnigerians.net."

Wait.

Wait.

WHAT?!

Stop the effin' presses! I had no idea such a site existed! Dear friends, I cannot tell you the how this made me feel. Elated, but dismayed. Amused, but bemused. Tickled, but terrified at the thought of Nigerian men seeking love online. Why you may ask? Allow me to explain.

Nigerian men and romance are two terms that cannot and do NOT belong together. For these brothas, corny expressions of love coupled with an intense, but ridiculous stare are the well-known, but misguided ways to a woman's heart. Allow me to provide you with an example of each:


A stranger approaches (in a heavy Nigerian accent): What is up? (not Wassup) My name is Emeka and emmm...I was checking you out from across de way.

A woman's struggle never ends. What is a girl to do in such a situation? "Just say No" hasn't worked for drugs, why should it keep off a Nigerian man? His addiction to you forms faster and lasts longer than any crack habit, TRUST ME! First, it's the clubs, church, Best Buy (I was accosted by a surly and aggressive cab driver who propositioned me and then FOLLOWED ME to my car, insisting that he be the one I call on those, "lonely nights"). Now the madness has transferred to the World Wide Web. When will it end? When???

All I know is I'm scared and you should be too.

Dearest Candace,

First and foremost, I begin this letter with words of thanks.

Thank you for your willingness to sh*t on common sense by continuing to comment on posts you don't like, solely about how much you don't like them. Granted, if your criticism was witty it might have been taken to heart, cause here at Igville, the power of a good roast reigns supreme. However, your comment was drier than Ciara's diaphragm and Alise's scalp.

Thank you for your dedication and perseverance, which ensures that you will grumble on every post that Luvvie writes, dignity be d*mned. Commenting on a post three days old at 1:13 in the morning conveys the fact that your angsty heart knows no bounds.

Thank you for your unsolicited advice which implies that we here at Igville write to please the masses. For the record, we don't. We write to amuse ourselves, and anyone else that finds our random humor entertaining is appreciated, but certainly not needed. Do not make the mistake of flattering yourself by assuming that your readership is required for us to lead fulfilling, Igtastic lives.

Now that the accolades are over, I have a few questions. Namely, why do you keep coming back to piss and moan? Is it the unbridled rage in your heart that compels you to do so? Second, it is my understanding that you enjoy the writing of our other contributors, including myself. If this is true, why must you bundle these compliments as the sweet filling inside of a sh*tty hate sandwich?

Last, and perhaps the most pressing question of all... why are you named Candace? Don't you realize that you were probably better off with the title of Anonymous? As both a mother and a daughter, this concerns me greatly.

You can respond to these inquiries at your leisure. Again, thank you. Thank you for failing so greatly that it caused me to succeed in writing a post in eight minutes flat.

Yours in Ig,
Kindred

From time to time, I have cwazy thoughts. No, not "Maybe I should just come at her head real hard with little reason" crazy *raised eyebrow to Keri Hilson* or "I should get back with him even though parts of me are still swollen" crazy *side eye to YOU KNOW WHO,* but just thoughts that in the grand scheme of things don't really make sense. I, like you, sometimes refer to these thoughts as RANDOM. On a deeper level, they're not really random; we all know that just one thing any of our senses picks up on can trigger an entire string of internal conversation. However, without knowing the backstory, most other people would be caught off guard by these thoughts. And thus, my forte. I usually put my random thoughts in my Facebook statI, but because Facebook has become Twitbook or Facetwit (I think I like that one more...), I have decided to list them here. That's right - SANS backstory. PLEASE NOTE: Some of these are repeats. I agree with Luvvie - self-plagiarism is NOT plagiarism. Partake. Enjoy.

1) I don't care how much you may love him or think he's the hottest rapper in the game right now, Lil' Wayne still looks like a tatted up pap smear.

2) In my role as an admissions counselor, I just had to call a prospective student named Vesta. Too bad she was denied admission, 'cuz I was ready to shout "CongratuLAAAAAAAATIONS!!! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, OH, OHHH, oh, oh, oh!" P.S. Did you know that Vesta had a VID'JA for that song???! It looks like it was filmed on the set of "Amen."

3) In the words of Dave Chappelle, "I know a pimp when I see one..." and King Triton on the Little Mermaid was a pimp. SEVEN daughters and NO mama to be seen?? And that crown?! And the way he had to bring the smackdown on Ariel's treasure cave? However, I didn't care for the undertones of underage sex and beastiality - mm, hmm - I'm lookin' at YOU, so-called Prince Eric! Or should I say Prince Kelly?????

4) If Oprah, MISS SOFIA herself, tells you to do something, you best do it. If she told me to leave somebody I had been with for 14 years, I would say "Hey, this thing just ain't meant to be" and chuck the deuces. If not for any other reason than she could probably raise a series of fingers and have you removed from existence.

5) Those commercials with the kids working the computers and taking pictures and sending 'em to people and editing and cropping them and sh*t gives me a case of the Horribles. Kids shouldn't be THAT smart.

6) I saw a girl in a club a couple weeks ago that was at least a size 12 with a one piece, we'll say "outfit" on her body that was made for probably a size 10. Not a huge difference, but a few short observations. First, I use the term OUTFIT accurately...cuz Lord knows that thang out fit HER. Second, don't try to be sociable in the club when the right or more appropriately wrong move will reveal everything under that thin denim contraption. Third, be kind to yourself and to others as that ensemble made me feel like my corneas were fighting one another.

7) Beyonce appears in the latest issue of...what was it again, Vogue? Yes, I believe it was Vogue. One blogger put it best: "I don't know what she was selling this time." Seriously, it won't be long before the House of Dammititswrong is designing bedazzled diaphragms. "For the Single Lady who wants to stay a Single Lady." They'll be the tackiest, nastiest thang you can put in yo' vajajay since...Lil' Wayne!

Aaaaand we come full circle. This won't be a recurring post, just something I needed to get off my chest. Be cool.

Crownie is such a damn enabler, sending me these videos continually. He is like my Crack Dealer.




Luvvie: bwahahahahahahaha omg! cackles

I introduced a feature entitled "Madison Tales" on my blog that is updated with increasing frequency cause folks don't know how to act. Below, find the post that started it all.

*********

So, my evening commute consists of taking the Madison bus from downtown to the Wesssidde to pick up Piggles. This bus ride is rarely, if ever, uneventful. In fact, sometimes it's the highlight of my day.

Scene: Bus stop, West Loop. Rush hour. Frantic commuters everywhere.

Cast: Kindred, surly because she skipped lunch in favor of shopping AND because two packed buses have passed her by:


Commuter Guy, a stereotype through and through:

Ms. Fatback*, a woman of handsome girth:

Commuter Guy parks his bike and stands on the bus stop, futzing with his Blackberry and briefcase. After about seven minutes, another crammed bus pulls up to let a couple of claustrophobic people off, gasping for air. Undaunted, Commuter Guy searches for his fare cause he is totally getting on this effin bus, laws of physics be d*mned. Kindred rolls her eyes and looks for the next one. Commuter Guy firmly plants his foot on the first step of the bus to signal his determination to board, while still searching for his fare. Momentarily distracted, he doesn't notice that Ms. Fatback is at the top of the steps. Finally finding his fare, Commuter Guy rushes up two more stairs, bounces off of Ms. Fatback's fat back, and tumbles down the stairs and onto the street, but not before knocking over a couple of other commuters and opening his briefcase (sending papers flying).

Cause I'm really all about the visual aids, here is an artistic interpretation of what happened:


Here is my (subtle) reaction:

Did I offer to help? No! Did I pick up any stray papers that were swirling about my head? No! What did I do? Rush into the Opera House because I was laughing so hard I turned purple and slobbed a little.

I'm not going to win a Compassionate Award any time soon.

I've been changed, for the day I listened to this song, I KNOWED there was a GAWD! My homie, Crownie (McIGface), who is so foolish he needs a Sense Bailout, and I were on GChat and I sent him this video. This video had me in a severe bout of the CackleFits, which didn't stop for most of the day. Twas turrble and awesome at the same time.



Luvvie: *dead* "Drop Kick me Jesus through the Goalposts of life"
Crownie: ;lkdsjflgsmfvlaeskrmealskvesr (Crownie's hysterical laughter)
___________________________________________________________________________________ (Crownie flatlines)
Luvvie: i request that people wear white usher gloves to my funegro. i aint gon make it!!
Crownie: laaaaawddd he is SERIOUS in his plea!
Luvvie: hahahah iCant
Crownie: neither LEFT nor the RIGHT
Luvvie: iQuit white people and country music
Crownie: *shouts*. iQuit YOU for sending me thisssss. ooooh i cant
Luvvie: hahahahahaha iDied, got resurrected, and DIED again!
Crownie: ;liijlkjkhvhfgxfd
Luvvie: Drop Kick me Jesus!
Crownie: i'm in my apartment SCREAMING. drop kick me jesus through the goal posts of LIFE! yesss lawwdddd
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha
Crownie: end over end...bwahahahahaha
Luvvie: i just KEELED again!
Crownie: LAWD i saved it to my favorites.
Luvvie: OMG im CRYING still!
Crownie: stoooppppp i can't take it!
Luvvie: my stomach hurts. OMG im soooo thru w/ homo sapiens. THROUGH! do u hear me??
Crownie: i just grew 3 new abs. God works in mysterious ways
Luvvie: bwahahahahaha. iQuit u. pack ur shit and GO
Crownie: where's my inhaler?????
Luvvie: u best find it b4 Jesus drop kicks u in the lungs
Crownie: LAESLDKJFGLKSDJFG *DEAAAADDDDD*
Luvvie: hahahahaha
Crownie: two quits in one day....you are gone from me now....be blessed...
Luvvie: nooooooooooooooo
Crownie: lmao.
Luvvie: *holds on to crownie's ankles*
u cant leave me! u cant LEAVE ME!!! do u hear me???? U aint goin NOWHERE!
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Luvvie: bwahaha aw man Jesus just drop kicked my ability to act right
Luvvie: *guffaws* why is this song stuck in my head??
Crownie: LMAO i thought i was the only one. i just texted my mama "drop kick me jesussssss". she said ... WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD?!?!
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha yessss

5 hrs later

Luvvie: Bwahahahahaha
Crownie: lmaoooooooooo
Luvvie: Thru the goalposts of life
Crownie: yes lawd. not to the left. nor the right
Luvvie: Hahahhahahah
Crownie: RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE, JESUS. direct me lawwwdddd
Luvvie: But thru them yellow bars of the world!
Crownie: YESSSSSS! *shouts off good square toed church shoes*. stacy adams
Luvvie: Hahahahhahahahahahahaha
*throws down church fedora and stilettos*
Crownie: lijaskjlfkadsjkkjnjugvgv I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT AND WILL NOT
Luvvie: Hahahaha
Crownie: i believe it's just best if i quit you not before you say something that bursts my laughbox. now****
completely wide open. just tear it to pieces.
Luvvie: Hahahaha U done quit me thrice 2day. Thrice!

Crownie: omg omg omg omg omg you HAVE TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER. ASAP ASAP
Luvvie: Lol oh nooo. Whatcha find?
Crownie: OOOOOOOOOH lawwdddd. i found somebody performing it. jeeeeeeeesus it's a lil ole country family!
Luvvie: Hahahahahahaha Oh nooooo
Luvvie: The shit is hilarious. That song changed my life
Crownie: oohwhee jesus wept. lmao he sayssss "i got the will if YOU GOT THE TOOEEEE"
yess laawddd. my jesus is a PUNTER. praise GAWD'T!
Luvvie: Bwahahahahaahah Not a punter
Crownie: when jesus kicks me i want the LAWD to say.. "IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!"
Luvvie: IQuit u. pack ur shit!
Crownie: THIS IS IKE AND TINA....we got 5455645 days between here and a good nights right. you tryna leave me anna mae?!
Luvvie: yes i am!
Crownie: rest****
Luvvie: talm bout "My Jesus is a punter"

*watches 2nd drop kick me Rendition featuring White Church Choir* *dies again*

Crownie: a;lksjdlkfldkjsw
Luvvie: in honor of the superbowl??
Crownie: i died ... rose 3 seconds later only to DIE again. i want black and gold balloons @ my funegro
Luvvie: i would like my epitaph to say "she came, she tried to live a good life, but promptly died after she was drop kicked by Jesus after watchin this video
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LMAOOOO
Luvvie: omg this day has been AWESOME. jus b/c of drop kick me Jesus

Here at the House of IG, we ain't just about senseless things. We do partake in some good sometimes.

Today, we and 95 other bloggers are Rocking the Red Pump in honor of National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day to raise awareness and to represent the strength and courage of women fighting HIV/AIDS or affected by the disease both directly and indirectly. Karyn and Luvvie came up with this initiative and never thought it would receive such great feedback, but we are pleasantly surprised at how people have embraced it.

Ain't the Red Pump it FABULOUS???

For more information on National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Day, and to find out events going on in your area, go to http://www.womenshealth.gov/NWGHAAD/events/.

If you're in Chicago, come to The Red Pump Happy Hour (hosted by me and Karyn) at Plush Restaurant & Lounge (1104 W. Madison from 6:30 - 8:30 to network, socialize, and raise funds & awareness about the effect of AIDS on women and girls. Proceeds are going to the Chicago Women AIDS Project.

In Kansas City, GlamStarr is hosting a Red Pump Happy Hour at The Bulldog (1715 Main St.) from 5:30 - 8pm.

Come join us at these Happy Hours and visit the official Red Pump Project Page for more information!

So the ePosse and I were on Twitter last night while ANTM was on, and we were mad irked by Sandra, this season's token African chick. Her hair situation was hella unfortunate and we went IN on her. Btw, on Twitter, we are @LuvvieIg, @naturallyalise, @ThePBG, @Zayden1.

Luvvie: Sandra's edges ranaway with Stevie Wonder's hairline. The underground railroad is CROWDED with fugitive follicles.

PBG: They're divorcing her hair line on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. Pack'd up and left!

Luvvie: Sandra's hairline is a victim of the recession. It got repo'ed.

ZeeBaby: sandra's hair looks like its playing tug o war, stop claiming africa!

Luvvie: Damn rite! That heffa aint no kin of mine looking like an upside down paintbrush. Hair just wispy for no reason.

ZeeBaby: sandra's split ends bout to cut themselves

NaturallyAlise: Her hair is playing hood basketball with a crate for the hoop... real sparse

NaturallyAlise: naw, her edges were deported. ol illegal alien hairline, hmph...

PBG: Sandra can make a bed out of her fallen follicles. Just nest, bitch.

Luvvie: Sandra's edges are somewhere wading in the water

ZeeBaby: i think its sad that sandra's hair started a brush fire and burned that talia as a baby. rude!

NaturallyAlise: She in NY, and her edges took the Midnight Train to Georgia.... I've got to go-I've to gooooo ....

PBG: Send Sandra some Blue Magic hair pomade and some brussell sprouts.

NaturallyAlise: Her parched follicles hopped in the Deleorean, stopped by the Chinese Juke Joint, and then burnt the baby, I could see that....

NaturallyAlise: no she didnt!!!!!!!!! apparently her common sense got deported along with her hairline

Luvvie: Umm... Sandra w/ the Aunt Jemima scarf on = the haunting of all my hopes and dreams.

PBG: She's dampened all my aspirations and intentions.

Luvvie: She looked like Blackface epitomized. iCant w/ Sandra.

Luvvie: She placed a murky, dank blanket on my ambitions and long term plans.

Luvvie: YESSS b/c her hairline is dead azz wrong indeed. Aint no reason for her edges 2 start at the back of her neck. Not. cool.about 3 hours ag

Luvvie: First degree Dream-cide with intentions to oppress.

NaturallyAlise: Voluntary Dreamslaughter, for shame.

Luvvie: Gurl her hairline is in Special Ed. And it missed the short yellow bus to school this morning

NaturallyAlise: Mis-dream-meanor larceny... ol' stealing heffa...

PBG: Hairline is in the Witness Protection Program. We won't neva see it no mo'!

Luvvie: Aiding and Abedding the degradation of follicles

PBG: Accessory before, after and during the fact of missing strands

NaturallyAlise: Baby Hair Neglect... gotta take care of da kids...

PBG: Call FPS on her. Follicle Protection Svcs.

NaturallyAlise: hell yes! LMAO!!! and the FBI - Follicle Breakage Investigation

ZeeBaby: sandra's scalp: i plead the fif!

NaturallyAlise: 1234-FIFF... Imma read her temples Miranda rights...

Luvvie: Sandra wouldnt be so clownable if her attitude wasnt so piss poor. Her attitude is a homeless crackhead w/ bad credit

ZeeBaby: dang, sandra's scalp said 23 hrs in the hole aint nothin! i been castaway my whole life

NaturallyAlise: her scalp aint got nuffin' to lose... ATTICA!

PBG: Her hair is like kindling.

NaturallyAlise: Naw, Sandra is Vitamin H Deficient (H=Hairline)

iQuit our ePosse Quadrangle. We stoopid! Anyway, I was so heated that I had to write Tyra Banks a sternly-worded letter over at my blog. I hopes she replies with explanations.


Luvvie

Do y'all remember "Scarlet's Tumble" and its roast betwixt Kindred and I? Wells, methinks Miss Honay may just replace that video as my fave EVER! I first saw it when eSis PBG put it on her blog, and on THAT day, my life changed for the better. Wells, LibraSong et moi watched it and DAHD together. Our conversation about it is below.



Luvvie: First of all, the white-green lipstick is jarring

LibraSong: wait - why does it come on with a growl at the very beginning?

Luvvie: I kno right? And I think thing 1 and thing 2 in the back almost steal the show. Their hardcore “choreography” is off the chain

LibraSong: don'tchuhearmecalliiiiingu?

Luvvie: and somethin tells me thing 1 (dude in the red) is the one who choreographed

LibraSong: and them neon fishing vests ain't catchin' NO fish!

Luvvie: he looks too proud like "Yes. Hit it. Give them life. Work!"

Luvvie: Hahahahaha them some cross color exclusives. lookin like some traffic management fools

LibraSong: honestly, ol' SHIM reminds me of Chris tucker from "the fifth element"

Luvvie: bwahahaha he/she/it got me perplexed. The cut out spandex outfit? w/ jus the right amount of shoulder? Killing!

LibraSong: looks like a couture design from the set of poltergeist

Luvvie: Looking like a hood wicked witch of the west. I’m expecting he/she/shim to start melting at any time

LibraSong: Who are these audience members???? And why is the host UBER creepy?

Luvvie: the host is probably thinking "damn. so much for a journalism career”

Luvvie: Miss Honey’s makeup contoured nose really has me done

LibraSong: don'tchuhearmecalliiiiingu?

Luvvie: Miss Honey heard you calling, but the bitch ran when she saw you and ur posse of dancing queens

LibraSong: LOL! Comin' down the street with lil bitty ass sways and lite brite game hunting vests

Luvvie: Them children of the corn in the back REALLY have me done

LibraSong: they have been debating ever since whether or not to go back

Luvvie: I watch it AT LEAST once a day to bring my spirits up

LibraSong: it is recorded comedy from every angle

Luvvie: EVERY. and what year was that shot? I bet u it first appeared on channel 19, the public access channel

LibraSong: oooh! that’s a damn good question! yopp!

Luvvie: they let you have it to show anythin for a measly $35 an hour or so
"here I am I’m feeling FFFIIIEEERRRCCCEEE" bwahahahahaha

LibraSong: yopp you right!!! note my fifth grade 'hood use of YOPP

Luvvie: I dig yoppp. we must bring it back in our everyday lexicon

Luvvie: "Where's the bitch she got some nerve" bwahahaha

LibraSong: LMAO!!!!! and "thebitchknewthatidbeback!!!" = iDied

Luvvie: "the bitch knew that I’d be back" always got me DYING!

Luvvie: ROTF @ the end where they juke

LibraSong: LMAO when they break it down?!?!?

Luvvie: thing 1 and thing 2 are doing it. DO U HEAR ME?

LibraSong: and then they start smiling and giggling and the what not?!

Luvvie: lmao @ thing 2's dip and shimmy. yeah 3:11 - 3:24 r jus bout the best 13 secs EVER

Luvvie: lol When they made that juke sandwich...THAT is when I ordered my tombstone. epitaph: she came (to youtube), she saw (these fools), she conquered (her fear of death)

LibraSong: yeah, yeah - pretty murrrch

Luvvie: I think I wanna make it my ringtone so when folks call, I’d hear "dont chu hear me calling u, miss honay?

Luvvie: I don watched it like 4 times in a row and I’m CRYING

LibraSong: when IT whispers "miss honey"?!

Luvvie: and when SHIM starts whispering "miss honey..." all lustfully and whatnot, I jus bout passed out. And the cheese that followed the whisper w/ the head/wig shake?? iCant. LMAO!!

LibraSong: and then whips ITs head side to side like a bizarro world marge simpson???

Luvvie: hahahaha YESSSS Marge indeed. Her beehive is "hairspray" proper. tracy turnblad is somewhere JEALOUS

LibraSong: she is upSET, do u hear me??

Luvvie: lmao. unlike miss honey, yes I do

LibraSong: don't u hear me TELLING u? don't u hear me TELLING u?!

Luvvie: I been singin to my niece "dontchu hear me callin u, miss kami???” (she’s 10 months, btw). She’s just as amused as I am by the whole thing

LibraSong: LMAO!!!!! Leave that baby alone!

Luvvie: this video is MY LIFE. it changed me the day I saw it. SERIOUSLY made my lifespace better

LibraSong: LMAO it attacked my corneas

Luvvie: lmao. But really. How did the audience in there stay on their chairs?
No one fell on the floor in laughter?? I call bullshit. I’da been hysterical in that studio

LibraSong: right! Like, inconsolable, let somebody take me into the hall, catch my breath and wipe my eyes hysterical

Luvvie: hahahaha I'da been "steal away to Jesus" hysterical. They’d have to get the church fan to cool me off

LibraSong: and the whole ursher board!

Luvvie: YESSS!! White gloves REST to go. *Sigh* awesome

LibraSong: sidebar: why do ushers wear white gloves? I mean, ALL of them? Is there a universal magician's ministry I’m unfamiliar with??

Luvvie: maybe the ushers r direct descendants of mimes. But why white gloves though? Maybe it stands for purity? Sister O'Dell knows she done had 5 husbands. Aint nuthin pure bout her or Ophelia Jenkins, the assistant head usher

LibraSong: and O’Dell’s weddin' dates don't add up neitha...and Jenkins? I could tell u some things about that Jenkins that would have u turning to the books of Peter, Paul, AND Mary!!!

Luvvie: U forgot Matthew, Mark, Luke & John, We must get to the bottom of the white gloves

LibraSong: indeed we must! END sidebar

Luvvie: lol so yes. That is indeed the greatest 3 minutes of public access TV ever filmed. I dare someone to disagree

*drops mic*
*dramatic exit*